Dimitri the Guardian
by Colossal Titan's Hoe
Summary: Anyone love Charlie the Unicorn? Well, you'll love this when the gang pulls a prank on Dimtiri. Note: Aqua is an OC, as well as Alex, so don't ask. T for language.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! This is really random and is inspired and complexly based off of SecretAgentBob's (Jason Steele) Charlie teh Unicron/ Charlie the Unicorn. They are soooo funny! Okay, well, bye! Or hello! Or salutations! Or greetings Earthlings! We come in peace! Maybe…  
Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Academy or Charlie the Unicorn. Richelle Mead and Jason Steele do.**

Dimitri the Guardian 1

**Dimitri POV**

I was just sitting in the quad at the Academy reading a Western novel when Rose and Aqua (weirdly) floated up to me chanting "Dimitri! Dimitri!" I sighed, figuring they were up to their usual weirdness.

"What?" I sighed, annoyed, though always happy to see them.

"We gotta go, we're burnin' this place down!" Aqua exclaimed as the Academy simultaneously combusted. My eyes widened.

"Oh. W-What about all the Moroi and dhampirs?" I stuttered.

"Well, clearly they're going to burn a lot," Rose scoffed.

"Well that's not very nice," Aqua said.

"Man, shut the heeeeeell up," Rose said, narrowing her eyes at Aqua.

"You shut the heeeeeell up," Aqua said, narrowing her eyes, too.

"No, you shut the heeeeeell up!"

"You can both go and shut the hell up," I interjected, annoyed by their bickering and wanting to go get all the students from the burning buildings.

"I'm not talking to you _Dim-it-ri!_" Rose yelled at me, enunciating my each syllable of name separately. Suddenly Aqua's eyes dilated and her eyes widened.

"Rainbow BLEH!" And then she did the weirdest thing. She threw up a rainbow of colors. Then we were somehow, impossibly on a rope bridge.

"Holy crap, we're on a bridge!" Rose exclaimed. Aqua somehow floated over the rope fell down into the canyon below yelling, "Oh God, I'm falling! I had so much to live foooor!"

"That is… tragic," I mumbled.

"Not as tragic as your face!" Rose snickered.

"Oh. Come on, that was uncalled for," I said, hurt.

"YOUR FACE IS UNCALLED FOR!" Rose laughed. Aqua suddenly walked up from behind me, even though I'm pretty sure she'd fallen into the canyon.

"Hey guys," she smiled.

"Where the hell you been?" Rose demanded.

"Oh, you know, saw a movie, grabbed some coffee."

"I want some coffee," Rose said.

"Yeah, I could go for some coffee, too," I agreed.

"Well you can't come, you son of a bitch," Rose said. And then we were suddenly in a meadow, Lissa laying on her stomach on a rock.

"Hey look, it's that Moroi punk," Rose said.

"She owes me 20 bucks!" Aqua exclaimed, glaring at Lissa.

"Hey, Lissa! Yo Lissa!" Rose called.

"Rah, rah, rah, rah," was Lissa's response.

"What the hell'd she say?" Rose asked.

"Man I have no idea," Aqua shrugged.

"Rah, rah, rah, rah," Lissa repeated.

"Where's my money Lissa?" Aqua demanded.

"Rah, rah, rah." And then the fire from the Academy caught up with us.

"Oh crap, the fire's back," Rose said.

"I want my twenty bucks, Lissa!" Aqua yelled at Lissa before she caught on fire. Then she laughed, "Oh no, Lissa's on fire."

"Rah, rah, rah, rah," Lissa said, once again.

"Stop, drop and roll, man," Rose called before we flashed to a nice stream with trees dotted here and there and some thick forests around it. I might consider bringing Rose here for a getaway sometime.

"Well, here we are, at the poconose," Rose said.

"This is lovely. This a lovely vacationing spot," I approved, looking down at her.

"Yeah, yeah, should be nice," she nodded, looking around. "Except for the STRIGOI!" She looked at the open field, obviously expecting a Strigoi to pop up out of nowhere. Aqua must have thought the same thing because she had a scared and shocked expression on her face. When nothing happened, Rose frowned and said, "There was supposed to be a Strigoi there."

"Oh." Why would they expect a Strigoi to be out here in the sunlight?

"And we put a depoit down and everything," Aqua moped, pouting. Why the _hell _would they put a deposit down for a Strigoi to be in a place as beautiful as this.

"Yeah, there's-there's no Strigoi there," I pointed out.

"Well, I can see that, obviously!" Rose exclaimed, getting in my face. A Strigoi suddenly fell out of a tree right next to us, but he was dead, shriveled up by the sun. They screeched and hugged me.

"Oh my God! Oh, that scared the crap outta me!" Rose exclaimed.

"Well, um," Aqua gulped and paused, like she was trying to remember her lines or something. "There's the Strigoi."

"Yup." I smoothing down her curls. She was on the verge of shaking.

"Behold the horror," Rose added.

"It is pretty scary," I agreed. Aqua had calmed down and was starting to walk away.

"I'm hungry, let's go find an iHop." And then she nearly fell to the ground, exhausted. "Alex! Baby, where are you?" she called.

"In here," he said from the tree the Strigoi'd come from. He dropped down, going to her side immediately. "Are you okay? I didn't expect there to be an actual Strigoi in there."

"Neither did we," Aqua and Rose said at the same time. Rose was slumped against my side, still going through shock. "I guess I only _feel_ the undead ones."

"What is everyone talking about?" I asked while sitting crosslegged on the ground and bringing Rose into my lap.

"Well…" They explained how they'd found a video on YouTube called Charlie teh Unicron, a sequel to Charlie the Unicorn, whatever that was, and how they wanted to make it real life, and how they'd gotten part of the bridge obstacle or the bridge part and how Spirit users could teleport and levitate, explaining the sudden changes in scenery and the floating. "What's surprising is that you said all of the right lines," Aqua laughed.

"What about Lissa and the Academy?" I asked.

"Mirage power of Spirit and Fireboy," Rose shrugged. "He knows how to keep flames from touching you and Lissa and Aqua know how to make mirages of fire, so there we go." I shook my head and burries my nose in her hair.

"You two," I mumbled. "Always up to something."

**Hey! So? How'd you like it? I was bored and had a computer, so… Yeah. Thanksgiving can be boring at times. So, if you want me to do one of the second Charlie teh Unicron, do tell. Until next time, adios!**

**Love,  
Ashely **


	2. Chapter 2

I was asleep in my room when I heard Rose saying, "Heeey, Dimitri. Hey, Dimitri, wake up."

And then came Aqua with, "Yeah, Dimitri, you silly sleepy head, wake up." I groaned and opened my eyes to see them standing in front of me, Rose in a blue t-shirt and blue jeans and Aqua in a pink t-shirt and pink skinny jeans.

"Oh, God, it's you guys," I groaned. "This better be pretty friggin' important. Is the Academy on fire?"

"No, Dimitri, we found a map to Candy Mountain. Candy Mountain, Dimitri."

"Yeah, Dimitri, we're going to candy mountain! Come with us, Dimitri."

"Yeah, Dimitri, it'll be an _adventure_! We're going on an adventure, Dimitri!" I stared at them.

"Yeah, candy mountain, right, I'm just gonna, ya know, go back to sleep now." They started jumping on my back.

"Noo, Dimitri, you have to come with us to Candy Mountain!" Rose exclaimed.

"Yeah, Dimitri! Candy Mountain! It's a land of sweets and joy and joyness!"

"Please stop bouncing on me," I grumbled.

"Cand Mountain Dimitri!" Rose cooed.

"Yeah, Candy Mountain!"

"Alright, fine! I'll go with you to Candy Mountain!" They cheered and got off of me. I put a shirt on and followed them out. They led me into the woods, singing, "La la la la la la la la," very off tune, even though I knew they could both sing.

"Enough with the singing already!"

"Our first stop is over there, Dimitri," Rose said, looking at a rock where Lissa laid on her stomach.

"Oh God, what is that?"

"That's Valisila Dragomir, Dimitri," Rose stated.

"The magic Vasilisa Dragomir!" Aqua added mystically.

"She's going to guid out way to candy mountain."

"Alright, guys, you do know there is no actual Candy Mountain, right?"

"Shun the nonbeliever," Rose said.

"Shhuuuuun!" Aqua said.

"!" Rose repeated, more exagerated.

"Yeah..."

"RAWWWWWWWWWW," Lissa said.

"She has spoken!" Rose cheered.

"She has told us the waaaaay!" Aqua added.

"She didn't say anything!" I called as they started to walk ahead. I followed after them so they wouldn't hurt themselves. We came to a bridge.

"It's just over this bridge, Dimitri," Rose said as we stood in the middle of a bridge. Oddly, I was getting splinters through my slippers.

"This magical bridge of hope and wonder!" Aqua added.

"Is anyone else getting, like, covered in splinters? Seriously, guys, we shouldn't be on this thing."

"Dimitri. Dimitri. Dimitri," Rose started calling.

"I'mright here, what do you want?"

"We're on a bridge, Dimitri!" We passed over the bridge and we came into a clearing where there was a misshapen mountain thingy made out of candy.

"We're heeeeerrrre!" Aqua cheered.

"Well what do you know? There really is a Candy Mountain."

"Candy Mountain, Candy Mountain! You fill me with sweet, sugary goodness," Rose sand off tune, jumping around the Mountain.

"Go inside the Candy Mountain cave, Dimitri," Aqua said.

"Yeah, Dimitri, go inside the cave. Magical wonders that will behold when you enter!"

"Yeah,uh, thanks, but no thanks. I think I'll stay out here."

"But you have to enter the Candy Mountain candy cave, Dimitri!" And then the weirdest thing happened. Adrian, Christian, Mia, Alex and Ashlee came from behind the mountain with t-shirts that spelled out "CANDY." They started dancing and singing.

"Oh, when your down and looking for some cheering up,  
Then just head right on up to the candy mountain cave.  
When you get inside, you'll find yourself a cheering up.  
Such a happy and joyful and perky, merry land.  
We've got lolipops and gumidrops and candy things.  
Oh so many things that will brighten up your day.  
It's impossible to wear a frown in Candy Town.  
It's the (I couldn't understand this part)."

Spotlights came on and Aqua, Rose and the rest started floating randomly.

"They've got jellibeans and coconuts with little hats.  
Candy rats, chocolate rats, it's a wonderland of sweets.  
Take the candy train to town and hear the candy band.  
Candy bells, it's a treat as they march across the land.  
Cherry ribbons stream across the sky and to the ground.  
Turn around, it astounds,  
It's a dancing candy treat  
In the candy cave imagination runs so free so, now, Dimitri, will you please go into the cave?"

Rose and Aqua floated back down on either side of me and then the others exploded... That... was... odd.

"Alright, fine, I'll go into the freakin' candy cave! This had better be good." When I walked in all I saw was darkness. They laughed manically.

"Goodbye, Dimitri," Rose said from the entrance.

"Yeah, goodbye, Dimitri."

"Goodbye, what?" The door closed. "Hey! Hello? What's going on here?" I soon heard footsteps. "Who is that?" And then I was hit over the head and passed out. When I woke up, I was back in my bed and there was a sharp pain in my side.

"Ouch, what happened?" I looked down at my side to see a sewn up scar. "Gahhh, they took my friggin' kidney!"

"Huh?" Rose asked sleepily from next to me. I screamed and tried to get away from her, falling on my ass. "Dimitri, what's wrong?"

"You stole my kidney!"

"Honey, I think you should go back to- What the hell is tthat?" She was staring at the scar.

"Like you don't know."

"What are you trying to say?"

"You and Aqua stole my kidney!" She looked at me like I had gone mad.

"What? Aqua is asleep with Alex in their suite. We said goodnight to her!"

"But-But-But."

"Dimitri, go to sleep," she shook her head.

"Yes, dear." And so I went to sleep, the scar and missing kidney a complete mystery to me.

**Lls, don't you just love Rose and Aqua? They're always up to something... ;) Best thing is, when he asks them about it, they pretend not to know anything about it.**


End file.
